Faith & Fear, a Birthday Reflection
Updated: Feb 4, 2021
Last night we went to my favorite restaurant for my 28th birthday. (If you are local, it is Aposto at La Scala House: a tiny, bougie, small-menu restaurant in a victorian house. It is truly a hidden gem and you are WELCOME.) Last year we celebrated in this same spot, and I had found out less than 24 hours before that I was pregnant with our son.
I could not believe it. I dragged my twelve month old daughter through Target in a complete, bumbling haze, sure that the pregnancy test had been a fluke and a fancy one would prove it wrong. I don't remember driving home or even taking the test, total shock overwhelming my senses. I wasn't until my husband laughed at the news and cried actual tears of joy that I began to thaw.
There was sheer, blissful, gratitude. This was the ultimate gift from God considering the years of infertility, treatment, and two miscarriages that came before our daughter. Now here I was, pregnant without a single pill, blood draw, or appointment. An actual, tangible, miracle growing in my womb.
And yet, immediately following the joy was an intense wave of FEAR.
Vera, our first, had just turned one and I had finished nursing her only a week before. I had pictured Vera much older when (or if) we were able to have another baby, assuming we would have to overcome infertility again. My pregnancies are intensely challenging due to my Ehlers Danlos syndrome— how would I navigate morning sickness and severe nerve pain while giving Vera what she needed? My business had just recovered from my first maternity leave, would it survive another so soon? Could we afford another baby so quickly? How would we all fit in our small ranch house?
My need for control reared it’s ugly head and I was swallowed with worry. But God, in his sovereign grace and kindness, carried me through. He carried me through a scare at our first ultrasound, thinking I was miscarrying again. He carried me through morning sickness coupled with nasty seasonal depression. Through each brutal step as my ligaments overstretched and my nerves pulled painfully, unable at times to even lift our daughter who was STILL not walking at nineteen months.
He carried me through every moment of doubt and used my weakness to glorify his strength, drawing me to my knees again and again.
God continued to provide and brought Barrett safely into our arms. Each shaky moment of uncertainty that followed has been met with new mercy, grace, understanding, and growth. I still have plenty of hard moments and I am certainly not immune to fear. But it is so easy to see, a year later, the abundance of blessings and goodness God has showered upon us.
Last night I sat at the same restaurant I had a year earlier to celebrate my birthday and was overwhelmed with the most tangible peace. I thought of our son's sweet face, his show-stopping smile, and how it feels like he always been a part of me. I looked across the table at my husband and marveled at how we have grown together through the challenges. Psalm 100:5, "For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation." Oh He is good, my friends.